When my children were younger, I remember dreading bedtime. I relished the time after they were all asleep to have a few minutes to myself, but the experience of actually trying to get them to sleep made for some rocky evenings. This is a common struggle that many families address through
therapy in Calgary. As a parent, you likely can relate somewhat to this experience. So why do they consistently reject sleep, even when they clearly need it?
There are different options for sleeping arrangements, and some parents may allow their children to sleep with them. However, for those who wish for their children to sleep on their own, this time alone in their beds is the longest period of the day of separation from their attachment figures. This period of separation can bring on worries, fears, and loneliness. Your child may react by
melting down, shutting down, or making excuses to leave their room (e.g., a glass of water). While this behaviour can frustrate parents, it highlights a need for connection that your child expresses.
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This need for constant physical connection often decreases as a child gets older, however, there are a few things you can try in the meantime to help bridge this nighttime separation gap:
- Develop a consistent bedtime routine (e.g., brush teeth every night, read one chapter, then put music on, etc.).
- Set a bedtime and stick to it (most of the time) helps kids know what to expect. Try to avoid the trap of “just 10 more minutes.” I know I struggle with this one.
- Amp up the connection at bedtime (e.g., snuggles, rubbing their back, or a story).
- Anticipate the needs (e.g., if they consistently come out of their room for a glass of water, add this to their bedtime routine).
- Add rituals to bedtime (e.g., my daughter loves alternating saying “I love you most” as I leave the room, and we compete to see who gets the last word in. The ritual can be anything, though, from a special handshake that starts at bedtime and ends in the morning to a special saying that you share.
- Include an item at bedtime that symbolizes connection (e.g., a parent’s shirt that smells like them, a love note, or a special stuffie.
Difficulty putting kids to bed can be frustrating to parents, so remember to to seek seek support and take care of yourself as well. If another caregiver is available, consider sharing the bedtime responsibilities, alternating nights or even different parts of the routine. If you are on your own and feel your frustration building, try stepping away for a moment to grab a sip of water or take some breaths. You’ve got this!
