You have probably been there. Your child is melting down before school, complaining of a stomach ache for the third morning in a row, or digging in their heels so hard you find yourself questioning whether this is just a phase or something more. You try every reasonable response you can think of. Nothing seems to work. By the time the morning is over, everyone is exhausted and you are left wondering what you are missing.
In many of these situations, what you are missing is anxiety. Not the hand-wringing, teary worry that the word conjures, but the version that hides underneath behaviour, physical complaints, and emotional explosions. In my work as a counsellor supporting children and families in Calgary, this is one of the most common and most heartbreaking mismatches I see: a child who is anxious being responded to as if they are simply difficult.
Understanding why anxiety shows up the way it does in children is one of the most useful things a parent can know.
Why Children Do Not Show Anxiety the Way Adults Do
Adults experiencing anxiety often know what they are feeling, even if they struggle to manage it. They can say 'I am worried about this' or 'I feel anxious.' Children, particularly younger ones, do not have the emotional vocabulary, the self-awareness, or the neurological development to do that. What they have instead is a body that is sounding an alarm and a behavioural repertoire that is not yet equipped to manage it.
When a child's nervous system perceives threat, which for an anxious child can be triggered by something as ordinary as a change in routine, a test at school, or a social situation that feels uncertain, the fight-or-flight response activates just as it would in response to a genuinely dangerous situation. The child does not experience this as 'I am anxious.' They experience it as an overwhelming surge of energy, discomfort, or dread that has to go somewhere.
Where it goes depends on the child. For some it goes inward, as physical complaints. For others it comes out as anger, resistance, or what looks to parents and teachers like deliberate non-compliance.
What Anxiety in Children Actually Looks Like
Anger and Emotional Explosions
One of the most consistently misread signs of anxiety in children is anger. A child who is chronically anxious is in a near-constant state of physiological arousal. Their nervous system is already stretched. When something frustrating or unpredictable happens, there is very little buffer left. What looks like an outsized reaction to a small problem is often exactly that: an anxious child who had no more capacity left.
The anger in these moments is not manipulative or deliberate. It is a nervous system that has exceeded its window of tolerance. Responding to it as a behaviour problem without addressing the anxiety underneath often makes things worse over time, because the root cause remains unaddressed.
Defiance and Avoidance
When a child refuses to go to school, declines a birthday party invitation, resists a new activity, or digs in their heels about something that seems minor, the instinct is often to push through it. To encourage bravery. To not give in. And there are certainly times when gentle encouragement toward new experiences is exactly right.
The important distinction is whether the avoidance is anxiety-driven. When it is, the refusal is not stubbornness. It is a child doing the only thing they know how to do with an overwhelming feeling: get away from the thing that is triggering it. Avoidance provides short-term relief, which is why it works in the moment. It also reinforces the anxiety over time, because the child never gets the chance to learn that the feared situation is survivable.
Signs that avoidance may be anxiety-driven include: it is consistent rather than occasional, it clusters around specific situations or types of situations, it is accompanied by physical symptoms, and it intensifies when the situation is approaching rather than fading with time.
Physical Symptoms of Anxiety in Children
Stomach aches before school. Headaches on the mornings of tests or social events. Nausea that does not lead to vomiting. Muscle tension, fatigue, or sleep difficulties. These are among the most common physical symptoms of anxiety in children, and they are physiologically real. They are not invented, exaggerated, or attention-seeking. They are the body's stress response expressing itself through the systems it has access to.
Some Alberta families spend months in pediatric appointments before anxiety is considered as a cause of recurring physical complaints. If your child's physical symptoms are medically unexplained, cluster around specific situations, and ease during school holidays or weekends, anxiety is worth exploring seriously.
Clinginess and Reassurance-Seeking
A child who is suddenly reluctant to separate from parents, needs repeated reassurance that everything will be okay, or wants to sleep in your bed after previously being comfortable in their own room may be showing early signs of anxiety. The nervous system of an anxious child scans for safety, and proximity to a trusted caregiver is one of the most reliable sources of it. Clinginess is often the child's way of regulating a nervous system that does not yet know how to settle on its own.
Perfectionism and Excessive Worry
Not all anxious children explode outward. Some turn inward, becoming preoccupied with getting things exactly right, asking endless 'what if' questions, worrying about things most children their age do not seem to notice, or struggling to hand in work they are not fully satisfied with. These children are often described as sensitive, conscientious, or mature. Their anxiety is frequently missed because it does not cause problems in the obvious sense.
If your child is losing sleep over homework, revisiting decisions long after they have been made, or catastrophizing small setbacks into large ones, the underlying driver may be anxiety.
Why This Distinction Matters for How You Respond
The way anxiety is responded to in childhood shapes how a child relates to their nervous system and their emotions for years afterward. A child whose anxiety is consistently misread as bad behaviour learns that their internal experience leads to conflict and shame rather than understanding and support. A child whose anxiety is recognized and responded to with curiosity and warmth learns that difficult feelings are manageable and that they are not alone with them.
This does not mean accommodating every avoidance or giving in to every refusal. It means starting from an understanding of what is actually driving the behaviour, which changes both what you say and how you say it.
Some practical starting points:
- Name what you see without judgement: 'It looks like mornings are really hard for you right now. Can you tell me what that feels like in your body?'
- Avoid dismissing the physical complaints as made-up, even if medical tests are clear
- Resist the instinct to remove every source of anxiety from your child's path, but also resist forcing exposure without support
- Notice the patterns: when does the behaviour cluster, what situations trigger it, and is there a physical component?
- Trust your instinct as a parent. If something feels like more than a phase, it usually is worth looking into
When to Reach Out for Professional Support
Anxiety in children is common and very treatable. Early support makes a meaningful difference, not just in the short term but in how a child relates to difficult emotions throughout their life. It is worth reaching out to a child counsellor or psychologist when:
- Anxiety symptoms have been present for more than a few weeks and are not easing
- Daily functioning at school, at home, or in friendships is being affected
- Physical complaints are frequent and medically unexplained
- Your child is avoiding an increasing number of situations
- You find yourself managing your own day significantly around your child's anxiety
- Your child is expressing hopelessness, excessive fear, or distress that worries you
A good child counsellor will work with both you and your child. You do not need to have everything figured out before reaching out, and your child does not need to be in crisis. The earlier anxiety is understood and supported, the less it shapes the child's sense of who they are.
Supporting Your Child's Anxiety in Calgary
At Flutterby Psychology, our child psychology services in Calgary are designed to support children across a range of concerns, including anxiety, emotional regulation, and the behavioural patterns that often travel with them. We work with children and their families using an attachment-based, trauma-informed, and nervous-system-aware approach because we understand that a child's anxiety is best addressed in the context of their most important relationships.
If what you have read here resonates, we would be glad to hear from you. Book a free 15-minute consultation and let's talk about what your child might need.
AUTHOR BIO
Written by Carissa Cochrane, CCC
Carissa Cochrane is a Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC) with over 15 years of experience supporting children, youth, adults, and families across school, home, and community settings. Her work is grounded in an attachment-based, trauma-informed, and client-centred approach, with a strong focus on understanding the role of the nervous system in emotional and relational experiences. Carissa sees clients at Flutterby Psychology in Calgary.
SOURCES
- BC Children's Hospital Research Institute. (n.d.). Anxiety disorders in kids: What parents need to know.
- Canadian Paediatric Society. (n.d.). Anxiety and anxiety disorders. Caring for Kids.
- Racine, N., Pitt, T., Premji, S., McDonald, S.W., Patten, S.B., Tough, S., & Madigan, S. (2024). Prevalence of Common Child Mental Health Disorders Using Administrative Health Data and Parent Report in a Prospective Community-Based Cohort from Alberta, Canada. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry.